Moving On.........

I've been part of a large women's Bible study at our old church in Boulder for 3 years now. You all know how much I loved it (not). You're all aware of how I was told by my two small group leaders that I had anger management issues, and that is (their reasoning) why I was catching so many colds over the winter. What you may not know is that one of those leaders now leads the entire women's group, which has been hard for me. I'm not into listening to all her "pearls of wisdom" each Wednesday morning. I've built up a wall, I guess. I'd like to just show up late to the larger group to avoid her "teaching", but feel guilty taking Caitlin to the child care rooms an hour after class has begun. I've also been having an aversion to people using the words "lovely ladies" and "precious" in every other sentence. Thanks to only a few people, my time with this group wasn't precious. It was hard.

So, last year I spent many hours searching for other women's groups, or mom's groups, anywhere in a 10 mile radius of my house. The population gets bigger as you head south towards Denver, so I thought that a group wouldn't be hard to find. I was wrong. Days were wrong, hours were off, studies were extremely involved (I'm not there yet). I found a lot that met in the evenings, but with no childcare, I was out. Brian travels too much for that. I felt stuck. Not wanting to stay home alone all the time, I went back to my regular women's group, but wasn't a big fan of the larger group aspect - or the group leaders, for that matter. One is the former group leader mentioned above, the other is someone who acts so friendly in public, but no where else. It's so fake with her that even Brian's noticed (and he thinks it's rude). I was so undecided that I didn't make the decision to return until the day before the group began. But return I did. My desire to not be alone all the time once again won out. My small group was wonderful, but the larger group didn't thrill me as much. I was torn again this summer - do I return, do I not bother - until another option came up. Our new church! Last week I signed up for a women's Bible study. Gasp! You're all shocked, I know. She made a decision! Same day of the week, same time, new church. I don't know anyone, and that's fine right now.

I had pondered returning to CBC for the women's group all summer. We were attending RCC for three months. It had a Bible study coming up in fall, but when I was told how many hours per day it involved at home each week, I wasn't thrilled. Even with my few hours per week to myself, I'm still a stay-at-home mom with young kids. Also, it was on a day that I have preschool carpool duty, so that would always be a factor on how long I could stay. I decided, reluctantly, with some pain, that I would probably go back to CBC on Wednesday mornings. *sigh* But now I have another option. Once I signed up at FCC, I had a sad little thought of all the people that I knew that I'd be leaving behind. I sighed internally, and felt a little forlorn, even though I'm the one doing the leaving. But then I realized this - I'm not leaving behind any great friendships. Not even any budding friendships (if they haven't budded in the last few years, they're probably not going to). I'm only leaving behind acquaintances and familiarity. It's not like I saw any of these people over the summer. Of course, I never called, either.

In all reality, much of this is my fault. After opening myself up, being vulnerable, and then being harshly criticized, I shut down. I stopped letting people in. I complained a lot (mostly to myself, God and Brian, but still...). I regret staying with my first small group and not trying out something different. By doing this I think I just simmered in my mad juices for too long. And while I don't consider myself a quitter, I have come to a point in my life in which I will quit something I view as futile. If it has an end date, I will usually continue until that end, and then stop. But either way, I quit. In this case, I guess I should consider it "moving on" instead of quiting. In as much as I'm a fan of familiarity, there's nothing to be sad about here. I have no idea what this new group is like, and I'm not out to make fast friends this time(although I wouldn't push them away), and I'm okay with all of that. The study, at least, seems promising. It's fresh. It's new. If nothing else, it's something that's moving me in the right direction. "Moving on....."