Finding Our Niche

On Easter Sunday many families from our church had Easter brunch at another family's house after service. Normally I wouldn't think anything of this, but this particular Sunday Brian and I were wondering if we were going to have our normally scheduled LifeGroup (small group) meeting. There had been talk about changing the Sunday nights from the 1st and 3rd of April to the 2nd and 4th, mostly to accommodate the church's women's retreat and, oh, possibly also Easter, but nothing had ever been set. No one had said anything at all about the group dates being changed. But the Facebook photos showed it all to me. The fact that three out of the five families that attend our LifeGroup were attending dinner elsewhere pretty much confirmed things in my head.

I'm not bothered about not being invited to this massive group Easter gathering. There's no sarcasm here - I'm really not. Although I like the host family, we aren't all that close with them or most of the other families invited. What has been bothering me, and more often than just this weekend, is the fact that we haven't been able to "find our niche". Brian said that the other evening, and it really sums up how I've been feeling about our current situation. I haven't been able to convey how I feel in a concise, clear way that others would understand, but that phrase really fits. We desire to have friends. More than that, we desire to have Christian friends and be part of a Christian community. We've lived in Colorado for almost 3 years and, on almost all levels, I still feel like an outsider looking in. When I look within the groups I'm involved in I don't see a place for me. Or a place for us. The sad thing is when I look at those groups, and the individuals that make up the group, I don't feel like I even want to belong. I've wanted to be part of groups of people before, and become friends with the individuals involved, but I don't have that feeling at all right now. It's strange. It's isolating. It's not how I normally feel.

We like our church. We've been at CBC almost 3 years (in July), and like the pastor and worship leader quite a bit. Sundays are nice. We go, and we have a good time. The kids seem to like their classes. But that's about where it ends. With the exception of small group meetings, there is nothing mid-week for families or kids, so our church existence is really a Sunday to Sunday thing. I attend a women's Bible study mid-week, but I'm not excited about it. The first year was not such a great experience for me, and sometimes I think I'm there just so I won't be home alone every day of the week. I use to attend the MOPS group there, but I got tired of being one of the oldest participants (by far), and living so far away from everyone else. We live on the fringes. Although there were a few other moms in the group who around my age, the rest of my table group was about 12-16 years younger than me. The average age of moms in this MOPS group is around 32, with a couple of kids around 6 and under. I know I should be able to get past this, but we have nothing in common except being mothers. I need more. The first year of MOPS was great and I really liked it. Wished it was every week. The second year was okay. I got through it. The third year - well, I stuck it out until the semester Christmas break. I haven't gone in 2010. This is so very much not like me. I'm responsible. I stick it out until the end. But in this situation, I just can't see the point anymore. It feels futile. I've been attending another one on a different day in Boulder, which has been helpful, but I've only been there a short while.

Brian and I have attended a local LifeGroup from CBC since September of 2008. For the 2009-2010 year the leaders changed our group from meeting weekly to meeting only twice per month. We must have missed that meeting, and we've never known why the change was made. However, meeting infrequently has made us realize how much we, and our family, need something more. Meeting every other week has really changed the dynamics of the group. It doesn't feel like a community. The families involved all seem so busy, sometimes to the point of exhaustion, that there's no place for us. We are deliberate in our attempts to keep our family from being busy all the time while still enjoying activities, thus leaving space for others. I'm afraid, however, we're the only ones who value this. I'm also getting very tired of the female dynamics of the group. The other women spend a lot time whispering in the kitchen, and then are quiet when I come in. It's not about me, mind you, but it does mean I'm not involved, and this lack of inclusion makes me feel unwanted. I've tried to make plans and get together with these moms at other times, but there's no interest there. Nothing says "let be friends" like constantly being brushed off. When you then see those same people having get togethers and making play dates with others, especially those who live far away, you know you were never in the running for a viable friendship. Acquaintance-ship is where I live my life most of the time. It's a little lonely, but at this point, I'm tired of trying. Although I liked most of this group, I'm starting to feel like our group meetings have been a waste of Sunday evenings for the last year and a half. All it really did was give us something to do.

We've been trying a few other churches. It seems like only a few months ago that we were doing this, so I didn't think I'd be searching out churches again so soon. We tried a church nearby, RCC, and have decided to try it out for a while. It's very small and so not our style that I'm surprised we decided to stay. We've agreed to go every other week - on the weeks our small group doesn't meet - and then go during the summer when our small group is on hiatus. We'll re-evaluate the situation in the fall. The pluses are that it's very local, only a few miles away, and draws heavily from our town. In fact, the pastor only lives one street away. CBC draws mostly from small, conservative towns 15-20 miles north east of its location, which is already 12 miles north east of where we live. RCC doesn't come off as ultra-conservative, like our current church, and the people are not nearly as young. Most of the people we meet at CBC that are in our life stage are about 10 years younger than us. They're very conservative. We're not connecting. The other plus about RCC is that the kids really like it. They know some of the kids and Brandon even sees some of them at school. He doesn't talk about kids/friends at CBC.

I feel like a broken record, always complaining about my "horrible" situation. It's not as if we lead some sad life here. We're doing quite well. The kids are good. They're happy and healthy. Brian seems fine. But this area of my life weighs heavily on my mind. It's as if a piece of me is missing. We've been here almost 3 years, and I just hoped we'd be further along in the process of community. Instead, we have realized how much we don't have charm and charisma, and don't appeal to the majority of the people we've encountered. I need to figure out how to relate to Colorado. I *have* to learn to become friends with the natives. If we moved tomorrow, I don't think anyone would miss us (maybe Big J, but really, no one else). We would have been a little blip on the radar screen of our little town in Colorado. I keep hoping God will provide answers or an out, although I don't exactly know what that entails.

I really want to enjoy my life here. I want to look forward to Bible studies and small groups. I wish I could find a women's/mom's group that I like. I miss going to the Mothers Together in Menlo Park. The drive there was awful, but I remember the feeling of relief - the sigh of "I'm finally here, yay!" - when I'd get there and sit down at my table. I only stopped going because our church started a women's bible study. If we'd stayed in CA, I probably would have gone back to Mothers Together after Caitlin was a little older and mornings became a little easier. I remember liking small groups before kids. I liked our church's family night on Tuesdays when we lived in California. All of my meaningful groups can't be exclusive to California! I've been hoping that writing about it may help me to process it all, but I'm not so sure. It use to help, but nowadays I always come off sounding a little depressed. I'm looking forward to summer - two different weeks away from Colorado, no CBC, and new options. I don't know if I'll return to my women's bible study in the fall. I've looked before for other options, but had no luck. Again, I don't want to be home by myself all the time. At the same time, I want to be vulnerable without being trampled on, and I can't view the group anymore without that in the forefront of my brain. I want Brian to have friends. I want my kids to look forward to church, and for God to be visible in our lives. Who knew I'd feel so unconnected and isolated in the middle of a group. Let's hope the we find a niche fairly soon!