Mr. Post Office Guy

Sometimes I sell books, CD's, and games on Amazon.com. It has brought in a surprising amount of cash - especially when we sold off Brian's old game-boy games. Today I needed to ship a book out to Texas. I also needed gas, and was going to VF mall to let the kids run amok in the kid play area (the idea of playing outside with Caitlin in the mud just didn't appeal to me). If I go a certain way, I end up passing a post office in Santa Clara that I use to frequent back in my early post-college days. Back then, when I had my first job, I use to take the meter from our postage machine to reload it when the postage was getting low. We're talking 14/15 years ago. I have no idea if postage machines still work that way or not. I worked at a start up, and you do all sorts of odd jobs while also doing the job you were hired for. Mine was postage. It was a horrible little company, so I was usually pretty happy to leave for a while. Anyway, I always went to the Santa Clara post office on Kiely to refill the meter, since it was the closest. There was this cute guy about my age who worked there. He was the one who did the meter refills. He always made me smile. And, I guess I made him smile, too, because he even asked me out! He did the research and figured out what company I worked for, found the number, and called. He didn't even know my name! I was so flattered. We never went out on a date, for one reason or another, but stuff like that goes a long way on my emotional scale.

Today I walked into that same post office for the first in about 12 years, and guess who is still working there? Cute post office guy! I was so surprised! Mostly because he still works there after 15 years! I don't know if I would have recognized him anywhere else, or wearing anything else other than the postal worker uniform, but there he was - older, like me, and still kinda cute! He did smile at me, but probably out of politeness. I'm sure he didn't recognize me. Back then I was a lot thinner, required to dress formally at that job, and I also had long blonde hair (not this "I use to be a blonde" brown hair that I got after Caitlin was born). I mailed my book, paid my money, and got back in the car with the kids and headed off to the mall. It was so odd.

I haven't been able to stop thinking of my life 15 years ago, that horrible job, and the way life has changed and all worked out since then. God has worked in some miraculous ways in my life. There are a lot of years in my life, starting my second semester in college and ending about the time I met Brian, that I have often wondered why I had to live through those. They were awful, horrible years. There was illness, bad decisions, working full time and going to school full time (which left no time for anything else), working at a horrible company right out of college (and I mean horrible), bad roomates, crappy, worthless relationships, and a whole host of other issues that I won't go into detail about. I realize now that I had the power to change some of those things, but I didn't realize that at the time. Now, just like back then, I'm still very much a "stick it out and be responsible for the decision you made" sort of girl. I made some bad decisions, and some were made for me. However, I really felt like I should have been happy. According to just about everyone, I was living the good life. But I wasn't happy. I was falling apart on the inside.

Those years still have me wondering what was the purpose, the point of it all? I wish I knew. Even now, most the time spent in those years seems so worthless. We've had some long sessions, me and God, and I still don't know the answers. I hope He tells me someday. What surprises me most is that I haven't glossed over those years - I still remember them vividly and remember how painful they were, even while in the midst of them. However, the bitterness has gone. I have a bad habit of pushing issues that I don't want to deal with way back in the recesses of my mind, and locking the door. I can do a great job of convincing myself and most of those around me that I'm happy and that everything is under control when it really isn't so. Everyone says I am so even-keeled! That always shocked me. Eventually the doors in the corners of my mind manage to unlock themselves and I am forced to deal with whatever it was that I wanted to forget. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. Either way, it's dealt with. Seeing the guy at the post office made me realize that there are still some issues I haven't dealt with, but not many. I'm still confused about some stuff, and there are still some "what was I thinking?" moments that I haven't forgotten. And, while I would still run far far away from just about anyone that worked at that specialty advertising start up, at least I wouldn't throw anything at them. My response now would be slightly more mature than it would have been back them (now I would calmly smile, say hi, and wait to run until I was around the corner and out of sight!).

Seeing post office guy (why can't I remember his name?) also made me realize how good my life is now. Not every day, but overall. Things have changed so much. I have a great husband, two great (usually) kids, and two families that I love very much. Somewhere along the line I learned how to make a wise decision. I don't always use that ability, but it's there - buried somewhere deep down in my mommy brain. When Brandon and Caitlin are older I hope to talk to them about life after college, so they are more prepared than I was. After I graduated I entered the land of cluelessness. I had no idea how to do anything (except budget, for some odd reason). But I was responsible, and responsible people do what they should do, and what they are asked to do. I threw myself into my work the same way that I threw myself into college, only to learn later on that it was the wrong thing to do. I remember just loving it when I turned thirty. Finally, I was out of my twenties! Thank God! Literally. I never want to relive those years! I hope I don't feel that way when I turn forty. So far the thirties have proven to be the best. Thanks Mr. Post Office Guy. You have no idea how great it was to see you again. I think I'll drive over the Santa Clara post office next time I have a bad day, and remember how good I really have it now.