I Didn't Invite You Over

Brandon's best buddy is J, another 6 year old who lives on our street. They get along well and are in the same class at school. J's family moved on to our street in May of 2009. At their previous house here in the same town, J was friends with another 6 year old boy who we'll call N. He's a nice kid. Kind of whiny, but otherwise fairly nice. Brandon, J and N are all in the First Grade, all go to the same school, and play together at recess (from what I've heard).

Lately, N is over at J's house all the time.

Usually I couldn't care less what play dates other kids have. Really - it's none of my business. But this is different. Since just before Christmas, our normal routine has been J's dad picking up the boys from school most days. It's so nice. I love it. Although Caitlin doesn't nap anymore, she still needs an hour or so of downtime. Not having to go to the school makes all that possible. All in all, it just makes my day so much smoother. The boys will play on the playground for half-an-hour or so, if it's nice outside, and then they walk home. Brandon is usually pretty hungry when he gets home, and has a snack and watches a video. Then we read. Afterwards he can play inside or outside until dinner time.

On the days that N comes over to J's house, the routine is harder to manage. The boys play at school, and walk home. J and N go to J's place, and Brandon comes home. Usually Brandon tells me whether or not N walked home with them. Our routine starts - but we can't get more than 10 minutes into it when J and N are at our door! Not only do they want to play with Brandon, but they want to come inside and play with all his toys. I've kind of had it.

Here's my dilemma - I didn't invite N over - J's dad did. Why, then, do I become the responsible adult? What do I do? I can see this going on forever (seriously, this has been happening since summer, with a small reprieve only during vacations when we're gone, or during winter storms). Do I tell N and J that they can't come over? It seems useless. J comes over all the time. He roams the neighborhood when he can't come to my place. I see him outside the windows. Telling J's dad that the boys can't come over does no good. He'd be receptive to the idea. He'd even agree with me. And, after a week or so of things improving, it would all go back to what it use to be. He doesn't watch his own child, much less his child's friend. Whenever N comes over to J's house, he comes to my house. Every time. Sometimes as early as 10 minutes after getting home, sometimes up to half an hour later. When N comes over he loves to head straight up to Brandon's room and play with Legos, and Lincoln Logs, and Hot Wheels - any toy that has 50,000 pieces. And he loves to leave all those pieces all over the place for me and Brandon to clean up. I'm tired of it. J and N are both very loud, which irritates my senses. Brandon can get that way, too, but he's not as obnoxious as the others. It's like the three of them feed off of each other. When J, N and Brandon get together, N always ends up as the "bad guy" in their games. He can't handle it, and whines incessantly that I need to tell J to stop it. I'm tired of that, too. There is something about the three boys together that drives me mad! N is not a bad kid. But still - I didn't invite him over. He comes over 2 to 3 times a week. Sometimes more. Lately I've been putting the house off limits. But then J and N, and Brandon, usually, want to get the trucks out of the garage and go play in the back yard. My backyard. Of course, the toys are left everywhere instead of being put back. And guess who gets to clean them up? Just today I specifically told each boy that he had to pick up whatever toy he took into the back yard. They ignored me. I nicely told each boy he needed to put his toy back or we couldn't play with them for a long time. There were many tears, and I'm not sure why.

One of the hardest things for me is that I feel like I should even have to deal with this. I shouldn't have to put my house off limits. I shouldn't have to talk to J's dad. I shouldn't have to! He should take responsibility for N coming over to his house, and he's not. I'm a good mom. I'm responsible for my own children. I get them ready in the morning, see them in the afternoons, and know how they are feeling. Are they happy? Sad? I know these things. We talk and discuss things. We make play dates and make sure that we have a balance of social time, academic time, and family time. I'm at a loss as to what to do with another parent who isn't as in tune with his kids. I hate confrontation, but need to figure out what to do to resolve this. This has been going on since summer, and I don't see it ending any time soon.