On Connecting (or Not)

I've had it.

Moving to Colorado was hard. Much harder than I expected. Especially coming from the fact that I moved many times as a child, and switched schools more times than I moved. But here's the deal - when I moved as a child I always had to go to school. When you go to school you are thrown in with a bunch of people your same age who are generally in the same place in life. *Eventually* just about everyone makes friends. The last time I moved was in college. It's different than grade school, but I was still thrown in with other students. I made a few friends; people I could talk to.

What I've found in regular, non-school life is that even when you are with people who are generally your age, even when their life is similar to yours (say you both have kids, or your a couple, or you had similar jobs), it seems like no one is ever in the same place. Women I meet here who have kids around the same age are usually much younger than me. Granted, sometimes age makes no difference at all, but a good chunk of the time it becomes very obvious that we have nothing in common. Most of the women I meet here who are my age have teenagers. Again, in most of the instances, we have very little in common. I've noticed two trends in women my age with teenagers - they got married young and never did anything (college, job, supporting themselves, travel, etc), or they got married young to someone very rich (doctors, lawyers, entrepreneurs), and can't relate to me directly, or the lives of the middle class. On top of it all, people here are different. It's hard to explain, but it's just different. Or maybe California was different (thus making me different), and I'm just use to that!

I give up. I've grown use to being alone with my kids. Sometime my husband is the only adult conversation I have all day.

I've tried too hard to find community here, and I'm done trying. I'm still open to friendships. I still want friendships. I really want Christian community. But I'm done putting myself out on the line; done opening up and being vulnerable to the wrong people. I'm still so scarred from my first women's bible study small group with my lovely leaders at CBC that I am considering going to another woman's group next year, at a different church, just to get away from the jumpy feeling I have when I'm there. Just seeing former small group leader #1 at church makes me put up my defenses and want to run. #2 is not as bad, although I get so tired of hearing her talk and talk I could just scream (I was not happy to hear that she was going to be part of the duo that runs the women's group starting last fall).

I cannot open myself up to these women anymore. I cannot be told about my supposed anger and emotional issues anymore. We were all encouraged to share what was on our hearts. We were assured that this was a safe enviroment, and that our shared items would be lovingly kept within the group. I didn't think I shared too much, but, obviously I shared too soon. The leaders have made me feel like I'm some sort of unstable person, and I know I'm not. Last year was the first time I *ever* ever opened up about having chronic fatigue and all the issues that surround it and about my PPD. I was hoping for an environment in which I could be loved and supported. I mean, I'm in Bible Study - a nice, Christian environment! Instead of support, I got harsh criticism with a smile. I was made to feel like a fool not only for sharing what I shared, but for even having what I have. We are a group of women here! Every time I hear about PPD, I also hear about how we women are suppose to support each other. I'm a little upset that this is what I've gotten by sharing. And while I think the PPD is gone (there are times I'm not so sure), the chronic fatigue is here to stay. I've dealt with it for over 20 years now and learned to live my life around it. It sometimes requires a lot from me to come off as a normal person without physical issues, but I've learned to hide it and to cope. It seems to be getting worse since we moved here - the fatigue, the inability to sleep, the pain. In some ways it's easier to deal with being a SAHM instead of an office worker, but the kids do wear me out more than I expected.

My Thursday morning MOPS group has been another area in my life that I'm quietly trying to forget. I attend MOPS at CBC, but I do finances for MOPS at another church. I liked the Thursday morning MOPS group when I first went. People were warm and friendly. There were women my age, with kids my age (shocker!). Some had even had similar life experiences. They'd worked. They'd traveled. This looked like a place I could relate, and a place I could start to build community. But something changed after I joined. Those same women from last year aren't there this year (or not there as often). The Thursday morning MOPS group has really gotten to me. We had a retreat not long after I joined, and I became sort of sad during that retreat that I'd joined, but continued on. A few other instances lead me to question why I joined at all. Still, I made a commitment and I had to stick to it for another year. I almost forgot to write about how aggravating the Thursday morning MOPS group is because I have been so elated that I'm not going next year!

I joined the group for connections and friendships, but nothing clicked. I'm so busy at meetings that I don't even enjoy them, and connecting has all but fallen to the wayside. One mom, who I was getting to know, made it very clear with a few well-placed comments that getting together this year wasn't really going to happen. One conversation we had went something like this:

Her - "What are you doing next week?"
I'd give her my open dates (of which there were many), she'd think about it, and say "Okay, see you in two weeks!" (the next MOPS meeting).

A few other comments about how she'd never meet kids who whined as much as mine (quoted verbatim) or were as ill-behaved, were just enough for me to think that maybe this budding friendship needed a break. Her life seems too busy to fit anyone new. It's kind of sad, though, as Brandon really likes her son. One of the co-coordinators is rude and pushy, as is her best friend (who, incidentally, is also on steering). The decision to quit was an easy one. Caitlin will have preschool on Tuesdays and Thursdays next year, and I'm not giving up my free time easily! I'll have 8 hours a week to myself, for the first time in 6 years! That was not the reason I used when I gave notice to the Thusday morning MOPS team (although my excuse was legit). However, that reason coupled with really *not* loving the group, are the real reasons I'm leaving. My guilt about leaving so soon was assuaged a few weeks ago when someone else stepped up to do finances. Yeah! Now I have no guilt about leaving!

As far as the rest of my life, outside of church, a few connections are emerging. We're still more in the acquaintance stage, but we have learned to lean on each other for kid support since most of us have no family near by. I don't know what these connections will bring, but I feel like I'm moving farther along with them than with anyone at church or in a Christian-based group. I thought that as a Christian I was suppose to have fellowship with God's people. Be in community. That's where the majority of my friendships were back in California. It's been more than a little disheartening to find that almost no one from my church lives anywhere near me, and that community with others from my church don't seem possible. This might be why many people don't like being part of a church. There is a part of me that understands that, but I continue to move forward. There is the simple fact that all people are God's people, and maybe I shouldn't look at Christians to be my friends first.

Okay, God, lesson learned. Please keep opening the doors. I feel like I opened a few door prematurely, and I've had to slam them closed for my own sanity! I'll wait this time.