Tired of Trying to be "Fixed"

I joined a women's Bible study at our church last September. I've always enjoyed Bible studies, and wanted to get more involved at our church. It has been tough finding community since we moved. I feel like a fish out of water here, and I hoped that joining studies and/or groups would help with the involvement factor. Plus, it's better than staying home alone all the time. My study is a book called "Lies Women Believe." I highly don't recommend it. I am having serious issues with the study and some members of the group. But, after much prayer, I feel like I should stick it out. Sadly, I am very much that kind of person. I'm not sure it's my finest quality.

Anyway, Wednesday, mostly in the morning, is my hardest day of the week. Getting two kids out of the house can be harder than it sounds! I get up early in order to get the kids up early in order to get out the door by 8:00 so Brandon can get to preschool between 8:15 and 8:30. We do this Monday, Wednesday and Friday. On Wednesdays there's the added challenge of getting to school by 8:15 on the dot, not, say 8:20, because they have chapel at 8:30. It's nice for Brandon to have a few minutes of free time to play with his buddies before lining up and leaving the classroom. I also make lunch for him and Caitlin, and bring a snack for me on Wednesdays. It takes me 30-45 minutes in heavy traffic to get to the church from the preschool, and not quite as long to do the reverse. Brandon stays for lunch until 12:30. Caitlin eats in the car, and I munch on a snack while driving. Safe, I know. All in all, Caitlin and I spend almost 2 hours in the car before 1:00 pm on Wednesdays, provided there are no adverse weather conditions. It snowed a few inches overnight, so driving was atrocious this morning, and took me way longer than usual to get to Boulder for my group. I did think about not going, but it felt like I was making excuses. After close to an hour in the car, on a muddy wet road, behind an aluminum siding truck and a pickup full of snow blowing out of the bed (which is sort of like driving in a blizzard, but only for me), and trying to quiet a screaming toddler who was done sitting in her car seat, I finally arrive at church. What a relief! I checked Caitlin into her class and headed down to the meeting room for some much needed worship and coffee.

After worship and such we headed off into our individual groups. The leader wanted to go around the group and see how things were going. I've been getting sick a lot in the last few months, so better health has been my off-and-on prayer request for a while. Last week one of the leaders, who wasn't there today, said I should write down all my anger issues to find out what was making me sick. I should start to manage it. How is it going?

Excuse me? Anger issues?

I thought I was fighting off the common cold. True, I have not been fully well since we moved here, but it's been a heck of a year! Two moves in two states, and three houses! All in less than 6 months. No friends, no family, and everything new. Having to learn all sorts of things, like grocery store layouts and state laws, all over again from the ground up. I haven't slept well for months! I'm so tired during the day that there are times I can barely keep my eyes open. My immune system is stable about 85-90% of normal, and my body doesn't handle extended stress very well. This alone may explain some of what I've been going through. Then there's the fact that I have a child in preschool. He's healthy as an ox, but  he brings home germs and I'm getting all the colds! We've been stuck inside for good chunks of the winter, which is strange for us, and that just seems to exacerbate the illness situation. It's not cold enough here to kill the germs during winter, but it's too cold to go outside. Everyone's stuck inside together. As a result, all the kids seem sicker here than they did in California, and then I get sick. But anger?

Yes - I do get mad sometimes, no doubt. Some days I have short fuse. Combine that with being home alone most days with little kids, and I can get upset. But I don't have anger issues. On top of it all, I have a crappy immune system. There are days and weeks that I hurt all over. I catch more colds than most people, and my recovery period takes longer, especially in the winter. That's my life. I've gotten use to it over the last 20 years.

Today, during our table discussion, leader #2, who wasn't even there last week (ironically, because she was sick, as well as both her kids), wanted us to go around the table again (after our initial round) to talk about keeping our emotions in check. That was the gist of the latest chapter in our study. She looked me right in the face and told me that my anger can make me sick. Really?  What a concept! Maybe it is what's making me sick now, because now I'm starting to get angry! It's been a rough week. Brandon has been experimenting with dropping his nap, and Caitlin is teething. It's been a whine-fest! I'm starting to crack down on the mouthiness of the boy, and all the name calling. He's mad at me because he keeps getting time-outs, and the occasional spanking. But I don't think that makes me congested, or have a coughing fit. I don't think that giving Brandon a time-out makes me want to throw up. The whining and crying do make me tense and irritable, but any mother in the same situation would say the same thing. Another mother in the group, who has kids about the same age and hangs out with me and my kids, said she thinks we're doing just fine. Her kids also wear on her patience, and yet the leaders don't tell her she's angry. They just feel bad for her because her baby doesn't sleep. When my child doesn't sleep, it's because of me and my anger. Or my depression. Or my bad diet (they have no idea what I eat! Why make comments?). Or I didn't pray hard enough. I'm so tired of this!

Do I have anger issues? No. Patience issues - sure. But not anger.  Not with my children. I have figured out what is making me angry now, though. Assumptions about me made by people who don't know me or my situation. And the fact that they feel the need to say something (usually something unhelpful) about it to help "fix" me. It makes me realize all the dumb things I've said because of stupid assumptions about other people's lives. I am sorry, and will try not to do that again! I cannot wait for this study to be over in a few weeks! Next time I will be careful to choose a study in which the leaders do not feel the need to quickly delve so personally into the lives of those they've never met before.