One Year in Colorado

One year in Colorado, and what have I learned...

PROS
*four seasons! Yeah! A real winter!
*affordable housing
*great schools for my kids
*clean air
*Pretty scenery - love having the mountains as a backdrop (even if I'm not nearly as impressed with them as those from the Midwest)
*great skies ... so much nicer than California
*summer rain
*big, fluffy clouds
*snow
*Super Target

CONS
*far, far away from friends and family
*people are different here, and any sense of community is hard to come by
*four seasons. Hot summers and cold winters do get old after a while
*the whole snow/thaw cycle in 24 hours
*driving. everywhere. (next place will be more central)
*grocery tax
*lack of Trader Joe's (although the opening of a Sunflower Farmers Markets in Boulder has made things a little easier)
*Safeway - I swear it's more expensive here than in California (and it wasn't cheap there, either!)
*no beach
*to.many.sunny.days
*lack of trees (yes, I know, it's the gateway to the Great Plains. But I still miss trees)
*lack of rain
*fewer people
*very.slow.drivers

I am trying to bloom where I'm planted. I'm trying not to dream of moving back to a state we can't afford (after all, I was one half of the couple that chose to move here!). I'm not pining for California, but still, it's hard. I wish I could say that, a year out, I love living here, but I don't. Really, I feel like I'm merely existing most of the time. Daily life can feel like trudging through mud sometimes. There is not rootedness in my feelings. I'm free falling, and I don't know where the ground is. I didn't anticipate these feelings. I've always considered myself adaptable. No longer.

I have learned things about myself, too. I like hearing an electric guitar at church. I highly value friendships, although I don't think I let people in on that. I've learned that I complain a lot. Most of all, I've learned that I must not be an easily likable person. I knew that before, but it smarts to think about it. When looking at the age of my children, I have learned that I am a very old mom in these parts. I didn't meet my husband when I was 20. I didn't get married at 22. And I didn't start having kids at 25. I went to college, had a career for many years, got married at the ripe old age of 29, and didn't have children for (**gasp!**) almost 5 years! So many of the young couples around here have kids about a year after their wedding date. In many ways I cannot relate to so many people I meet here, and they don't relate to me. Intellectually I know that it's not the age that matters, but it is often the easiest thing to focus on. Many of my friends back home were younger than me, many were older, and not all of us had careers prior to getting married. But again, people are different here. There are days that the loneliness is palpable. It is nice that most of the other mothers I meet here are not pining for their pre-child life, and that they are not all clamoring to return to work anytime soon. Working outside the home is fine and good, but I don't want to do it at this stage in my children's life, and I am rarely ready for my friends to do it either. I've noticed that my friendships suffer when that happens, as the time of the other mom is stretched so tight. Still, I don't know what they all do to make friends! Or if they exist outside of their children.

Connections and a sense of community have been the absolute biggest struggle for me, and I'm ready to throw in the towel. God has sent new friends in the past to fill the gaps left when other friends moved away. Now I am the one who moved, and there is no gap. There is just a huge, huge hole that has yet to be filled. I'm sure I'm not trusting God enough in this area. In fact, I know I'm not. There is no excuse, as a believer, but I will say that trust is hard. I have been able to make friends far too easily in the past. Why I can't do it now is strange, but it's the truth. I feel alone.

This is where I'm at. One year out. In Colorado.