Sick and Tired

Is it bad that I put Caitlin down for an early nap because I wanted to take a nap? Brian's out of town for the evening, I have a Love and Logic class tonight, and on top of it all, I've caught a cold. Cold medicines don't seem to be helping, and I can't shake the cough.

I'm so tired of being sick and tired. I have a bad immune system. I've had it for 20 years, but I've yet to get use to it. It all started after getting really sick in May of 1988, and not really getting well. If I try to explain what it's like to those few who ask, they glaze out after a while. It's been called many things over the years, the latest one being chronic fatigue. The strange pains. The hard time breathing. The constant headaches. Feeling so tired that you can't get off the couch, in the middle of the afternoon. Sometimes my body just shuts down involuntarily. Exercise makes the fatigue worse, and it doesn't get better over time. I never wake up feeling refreshed. What is that like? Seriously? I go to bed tired and wake up feeling slightly less tired. I never feel refreshed.

I try hard to come off as normal. I try to keep my complaining to a minimum, because I feel so much worse than I let on. I've been labeled as angry, depressed, and manic. Doctors go through a litany of tests, but can never come up with anything. The treatment vary - I have migraines, I need to exercise, or I need to be on different drugs. Most of the time I just want to give up.

I thought I had it down. It was okay before pregnancy and kids. I managed to hold down a job! And have a social life. I had issues when Brandon was little, but it got better. Then Caitlin was born. After a bout with PPD, I hoped for the better. The move and being a SAHM with two little kids drained me, and has kept me drained. Again, I try to get involved. To make friends. To just be normal. But I'm not sure I can. I just wish there was a way out of this fatigue and pain. A way to move on. I cannot imagine what life is like for everyone else. A day without pain. A day without fatigue. To wake up feeling like you're ready to start the day. But I'd like to experience it. Really, I would.